A Free Monkey On Craigslist
By Pat Maloney


he following are real email responses Pat Maloney got from his bullshit Craigslist ad about a free monkey named Apow.

-So, I really have to ask, are you serious? My main questions would be:
a) What is his housing arangement right now? Does he have his own room/enclosure or a place to sleep and he’s out the rest of the time?
b) What kind of bylaw situation applies? Would I be able to take him to a vet so he would get proper treatment or would I be ratted out, fined and the animal taken away?
c) What is his current dietary requirements? I have a basic idea, but wonder if any additonal supplements are required.
d) Does he need to be diapered?
e) Has he been exposed to other animals? We have a dog and some birds.
f) We also have a baby. Has the monkey been exposed to children before and socialized?
g) Overall health and age of the animal.

-We are interested and would like to provide a home provided that it is reasonable to properly care for the animal, it won’t totally destroy our house. If you don’t think he would be suitable, please let us know.


I just happen to be needing a one-legged tone-deaf monkey. (I’ll finally have someone to sing to) Ill give it a good home. I have never owned a monkey, but I can learn fast. Would love a small pet, but I’m allergic to cats and my place is too small for a dog. It’s not a psycho monkey, I hope.

Will shop for bananas

-i want in...
a little background on me, i adore animals, i was in a car accident a couple years ago, broke my neck, but im fine now, i have a pup, and this sounds like it would add a ton to our lives, and seems like it would be something different!

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Originally published in Winter 2008, Issue 3.1.